I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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