I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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