remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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