you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
