I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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