guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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