I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
