Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
