Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
