The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize