If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
