dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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