anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
