I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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