I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
