yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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