Please, let me fuck your mom
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize