My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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