the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize