Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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