ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
