i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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