I was born with a shot glass in my hand
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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