I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
