I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I party with great urgency now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
