My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
