sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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