The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
