Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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