why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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