First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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