My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
