This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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