I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
