I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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