I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
