The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
