The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
