I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
