he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
