You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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