...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
