I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
