tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
