So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
