When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
