I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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