And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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