the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
