You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
