It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
