I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
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