I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
