You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
