the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
