FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
